So, maternity leave…. It’s a glorious and magical time filled with luxurious days where working is not remotely a thing, shopping trips are potentially endless, pampering is at an all time high, and high-end coffee dates seriously ARE a thing… I mean, isn’t that right? No?!

Pfffft, yeah right, I wish.

In fact, I actually just wee’d a little bit because I laughed so hard writing that. #HarshRealitiiesOfMumLife

Relaxing coffee’s, and restful days are sooooooooooo far from the reality of what actually happens on maternity leave.

Well… to be truthful, BEFORE your first baby arrives then you maaaaaaaay be lucky enough to experience this for a few weeks. That is, if you aren’t so physically sick that you are unable to get out of bed (girlfriend, you know who you are). Oh and that also is, if you DON’T already have a child to look after, because they absolutely won’t let you relax in any way … ever again. #WishIWasJokingLol

Yes sir. Once an ACTUAL tiny human is born for you to look after forever after, maternity leave turns into PROPER grey-hair inducing hard work. Can I get a heck yeah from the mumma’s out there?!

Because even though they can barely talk in that first year, those little munchkins need you all of the time. Like, seriously ALL OF THE TIME. You are LITERALLY on demand, the most hot ticket item that ever wiz-waz, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. It’s exhausting.

And it’s a hard bloody juggle – to remain yourself and yet be so completely at the will of someone else who can’t even tell you a damn good joke, which mind you, would TOTALLY make up for them spending all day attached to your body like an actual human monkey.

… Errrrrrm… Would it though? I’m not sure…

Now, for me maternity leave with my first child was kind of … well … it was as boring AF.

It was brilliant in the sense that I didn’t have to put a bra on once in a twelve month period (my boobs aren’t thanking me for that though). But it is surprisingly hard work to try to entertain a child all day every day who can’t speak English, who can barely control their own limbs, and who loves to pull everything out of the cupboards just so they can climb INSIDE of said cupboards all freaking day long.

Oh and don’t even get me STARTED on trying to find the time to do everything that is needed to be done around the house, even though you are so bloody tired that you can barely even remember your own name any more. #TrueStoryWhoAmI

Fark.

If you let it, it can start to drive you a little bit bonkers. Hence why I started a blog lol. #Outlet

Now, if you are anything like my husband and I, then you would be total routine followers (because we never have any idea what we are doing and always therefore need someone to tell us what to do).

Being routine followers means that we have essentially spent the first year or so of both of our children’s lives being bound by sleep times and therefore being metaphorically chained to our own house. I am not even kidding. Yes, we are THOSE parents.

Let me say it again. We have essentially stayed home. For twelve long indoor eye-balling months. *shudders – sah boring*.

So on maternity leave I really haven’t gotten to do any of that amazing shopping that people think we mothers do… although to be completely honest I HAVE done a terrifying amount of online shopping in my undies from my couch this year. Cough, I mean, what?! No I didn’t, you did. Except, kay, it was me.

We haven’t really gotten out on any relaxing coffee dates either that we are also supposed to always do – because relaxing coffee dates are like a freaking unicorn in that they DO NOT EXIST once you have kids. I mean, you may get to a place and ORDER a coffee, sure. But you either will spend the entire time trying to prevent your child from running into the actual kitchen and stealing all the cheese, or by trying to prevent them from stealing food directly out of other people’s hands. And I mean, people that you DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW.

And if you also have a baby in you arms like I do, then you will spend the whole time bending down to pick up whatever it is that they have decided to toss on the floor in a rage. Babies are surprisingly ragey like that. And throwy… If you aren’t doing that, then you may be spending your time repeatedly rescuing the sugar bowl while the baby desperately tries to up-end it into their own open drooling mouth. #SheWishes

Put all of that together, and it means that you will probably never get to drink that coffee you ordered in the first place, or that you will only be able to toss it into your mouth hole once its gone super grossly cold. And while you are hauling two screaming children to the car. #RealLife!

Yes, THIS is why we don’t go out, unless we have covered our one adult to one child ratio requirement lol. No thanks. Because stress sweats are overrated lol.

And relaxing time with kids around? Nope. No way. Nada. Don’t be ridiculous.

The closest that I ever get to being relaxed these days is when the toddler accidentally elbows me in the shoulder (really hard) as he tries to rescue the water bottle from behind me that he LITERALLY just tossed at my head. #YouCloseYourEyesAndItsJustLikeBeingAtASuperViolentDaySpaExceptThereArePeopleScreamingAtYouToWatchThemDoAPooOnTheToiletAndItConstantlySmellsLikeOldBreadDontAskMeWhy

Overall, I can only speak of my experience though, as Maternity Leave is different for every parent, and it is different for every child.

With one child, for me, although it was beautiful and I loved so hard that I worried that I might actually explode, I was bored shitless and felt isolated and lonely AF. I was constantly washing clothes, folding clothes, sweeping and vacuuming. And apart from playgroup once a week, and swimming once a week, I didn’t really get out and about that much until the babe was older.

With two children, I felt waaaaaay less isolated, because my first-born was able to hold a decent (and never-ending) conversation with me, making me laugh constantly. I loved that. It filled every day with giggly joy… On the flip side, the other babe was also pretty funny, though all she really wanted to do each day was to stare into my eyes intensely from the comfort of my lap while I tried to do a poo on the toilet. #TrueStoryIAmNeverAlone #IHaveNoIdeaWhySheLikesToDoThatEw.

Now, with three or more children? I honestly have no idea what that will be like… Hopefully one day I WILL know…

On one hand I imagine that it would be even MORE hilarious, fun and exhausting having more kids around to talk to… I ALSO suspect that it would really mean that MULTIPLE children will want to crawl into my lap every time I try to do a poo. #SoIWillNeverEverEverEverBeAloneAgain

But I also imagine that it will be so busy having that extra child around, that it will fly by in a flash. The only coffee dates I will go on will be in my pantry, and will be with the mars bar that I had stashed in the back there so the kids wouldn’t see or hear me. And the only relaxing time I will get is when I am literally unconscious in bed at night.

But I am totally cool with that.

Because whatever Maternity Leaves is for you, it was such a privilege for me to experience this time around. To be able to spend time with my beautiful children is something I will never forget. To be able to have the time watching them grow and learn and love in a way that I hadn’t seen before is something I am so lucky to have witnessed. And to be able to love them with every inch of my soul while they are right in front of me is something I am so grateful for, because this time around I know how fleeting it is and how quickly they grow up.

I have loved it all so much this time around, house-bound or not. And I am grateful for every second that I have gotten to spend with them. What a lucky mumma am I. <3

 

Did you find yourself getting (sssssshhhh) just a bit bored on maternity leave like I did the first time around? Or did you love every second of it like I did the second time around? Leave me a comment below and let me know xx

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